using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
