1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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