forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
