Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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