just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
