she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
