I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
