the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
