woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
