I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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