Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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