God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Randomize
