I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
