i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
