Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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