dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I touched a dick in church today
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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