my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
