you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
