Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
