Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
