I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
