i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize