So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
