She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
