he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Randomize
