You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
