i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
