My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
