Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
