Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
there's paper in my vomit.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
