I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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