I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
