I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
