Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
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