and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
