I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
