Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
