Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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