There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
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