thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
