I hate all girls vehemently.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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