honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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