Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
