Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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