Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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