Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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