the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
