yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
