I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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