You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
