I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
