oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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