I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Randomize
