I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
