I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
