All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize