It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
