Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
