You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
