Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
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