The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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