I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
