I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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