I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
