Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
