I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
