how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
