Old men and throwing up are my life now.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
